wait, you mean love isn't forever?

alright. so, let's start this out with a fact. i sometimes dig chick flicks. its true, and i am not ashamed of it. however, when you're in a relationship and the chick flick portrays this perfect man that does everything right no matter how the girl acts... then that is just crap. because then my significant other will expect that from me, and we all know i'm not perfect!

with that said, i really like chick flicks that tell the truth. and by that, i mean how relationships REALLY work. there are a few movies out there that show the awkwardness, deceit, frustration, disappointment, and trials of a real relationship. i remember when i saw The Last Kiss in the theater. it was a good example of the different aspects to relationships. i mean, i hated what happened in it sometimes, which is exactly like we hate it sometimes in our relationships. i started watching the Break Up, and it was kind of that way too. i still want to see Knocked Up, because i am hoping it will be truth with humor. i also loved Once. it showed how we can form great relationships and not be led astray. despite its sadness, loneliness, and pain, there was joy in the characters lives, and mainly because of each other.

anyway, all that to say last night i watched a very truthful film about relationships. really felt like a real trip down memory lane, if you know what i mean. it is called Flannel Pajamas. now, let me tell you first off, it has a lot of scenes where this couple are talking and relating... nude. so, be warned. but, for me, it was kind of like watching my memories on a screen.

it starts off with the couple meeting, then they get to know each other for a while, then they fall "in love," followed by decisions to live together, get married, and tackle life-long goals. i remember all of that years ago. so naive and idealistic. well, eventually, (not to ruin it for you) they have problems, as we ALL do in relationships. and mistakes happen, dreams get put on the back-burner, life changes around them. and they change, like we ALL do. except, the female also allows her love to change. she decides to move out, they get counseling, and because she has fallen "out of love" with him, she wants a divorce. he doesn't want this. but, what else can he do?

so weird how we can look at things like love. there are so many different kinds, ways to experience it, and ways to use it. there's the love a parent can have for their child, which many times can reflect the love God has for all of us: unconditional. then there's the love that we feel for people in general. like you can love friends, acquantances, and people in need. and then there's the love that we have for another person that usually leads us to marriage. this love, as we Christians are taught, should be like Christ and the church. however, the church is so evil-natured. so, that seems odd. people in general are sinful. we can try to not be sinful, but we are stuck in this fleshly world. so, does that mean the wife can be sinful and the husband should be the perfect Christ figure? well, turns out us husbands (or ex-husbands) are also sinful. go figure, right?!

anyway, that marriage love can start out with our feelings and emotions giving us a euphoric feeling. but that will change over time. that might fade. and then what are we supposed to do? are we supposed to give up and move on to someone else who will supply us with those feelings that we FEEL we deserve?! i don't think so. if you were to ask me what my opinion is about love, i would reply to you this:

love is a choice.

when we decide to quit choosing to love, we give up on love. and when a spouse is involved in that decision, it can be devistating. and its only when we give up that we fail in things like marriage. i may be biased because i was left by my ex, but i now realize that it wasn't our differences, our mistakes, our bad decisions, our lies, our lack of time together, or anything else that drove us apart. sure all of that played a part in her DECISION... but just like the main character of this film, she had the choice to keep loving or to give up. and it seems like too many people, even who follow Christ, are making the decision to give up and seek something that will "better" their lives in the short term instead of deciding to love no matter what and grow together.

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri."

these rates are kind of discouraging. and even more so if you've gone through it once or twice.

it's kind of ironic. her choice to leave me kind of makes me want to give up trying anymore too. but i know that it wouldn't be worth it in the long run to stop trying to love someone. however, for me now, i am single. so, watch out. i may start loving you. and if i do, i may never stop! hahaha...

but seriously, this movie, despite some stale dialogue and long conversations, is a great portrayal of what married people go through when they are starting out. and even though mine lasted 5 years, because of our age and situations, we weren't past the early stages. i can only hope and keep believing that with both people making the choice for a lifetime that marriage can be one of the most beautiful and productive and rewarding things that God has for us.

in fact, i will choose to believe that.

the creative life of boredom

well, here i am, in L.A. i've been planning to move to L.A. since i started acting 13 years ago. a lot has happened in 13 years, but a few things have stayed constant: my relationship with Christ, my love for acting and creating, and my goal of moving to California to pursue my dreams.

so, now i'm here. and i'm looking for acting work, as well as production work. and now there's a writer's strike. so, many shows that i would love to try and work on are shelved for the season. so, there's not much work to be had. plus i don't even have an agent yet. i need to get on that as well.

with all that being said, i'm kind of bored. you know, i just got here, but i'm really wanting to work my butt off digging into a character while acting or framing and focusing some camera working on the set of something... and get paid for it. seriously, i'm grossly underpaid at the moment, and i need to find supplemental income quick. i need to get the car worked on, finally get my license plate, and hopefully eat next week.

unfortunately, i don't have much time in the evening to do much but wait in traffic, get home, spend an hour or two doing something, and then pass out of exhaustion. so, i've decided to be creative in any way i can lately. i've written many more songs this past month that i normally write in a month, i've been fleshing out ideas all over my moleskins, and finally, i have decided to try my hand at writing a novel.

writing a novel is a huge task. i mean, not really. bloggers are discovered, then get an agent, then land a book deal, then probably just morph their blogs into a book, and tah-dah! they're published authors. or in the case of the woman who wrote juno, you go from author to screenwriter to eventually being a director.

but i'm just a huge fan of stories. i love reading a good story, and i love telling a good story, and hopefully i will love writing a good story. i don't want to let any part of the cat out of the bag other than one of it's paws... so, i will just say it has many little stories all rolled into one. and i would love any help you would like to offer. so, if you have a good story or have an amazing memory of us, please let me know. comment on this and tell me a little about it.

i don't really know what i'm getting myself into... a novel. crazy. hopefully, though, this will help pass a little of my down time, allow some of my creativity to flow (while on an acting/producing low), and in the end, entertain a couple people. or a million. eh. we'll see.

you can change... but sooner or later your own self will always catch up.

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"And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day."

so this week has been my first week at my new job. i am a runner for CineTel Films. yes, i run... sometimes far away. sometimes at night. sometimes in the day. i just run.

but seriously, its kinda fun! the office is full of great people who do what they do well, and seem to enjoy doing it. there's the corporate offices upstairs, and the production, post-production, and casting downstairs. and us, runners.

so, i basically run errands for anyone in the office. go pick up stuff or drop stuff off to post houses, graphic designers, actors, banks, stores, you name it!

check us out on IMDB. we make quite a few films a year. so, bottom line, i'm excited to be here, thankful for my friend nick who helped me get the job, and overall blessed by the Lord for getting to be a part of such a great film family.

freedom...?

let me start with this: i really enjoy the freedom that this blog brings. i feel that no one is really going to be reading this anytime soon. so, i have no hesitation to write. well, almost no hesitation. there are a few things that pretty much stay between me and God, but you know what i mean. and by you, i mean the occasional person to occasionally glance at this page.

so, freedom. comes in so many shapes and forms, both good and bad. i feel like i've been able to experience them both. but the funny thing is that the whole time that i've felt that, God has never let me go. he has never allowed me to fall away from himself. that's a restricted freedom that i don't mind in the least.

i have known the freedom of high school, decisions on college, mistakes in a multitude of unwise relationships, the decision to move to a new state, fall in love, move again, get married, move again, go back to school, study what i love and what the Lord has led me to... and unfortunately, the taste of singleness again, then the chance to travel, the ability to move yet again and pursue my dreams. these freedoms i have always felt have been mine. but God has ultimately been the one allowing any of this to happen. and when something bad happens to me or to you, that's exactly what he does: he allows it to happen. don't ask me why. some of the freedoms i've been given aren't ones i've asked for.

however, there are things that truly take a toll on this false sense of self freedom. the lack of money brings one's feelings of freedom crashing down pretty fast. then there is also the distance between you and those you love the most. and confusion, miscommunication, and dishonesty. you can't control your freedom when you can't control the circumstances. but that's where the real freedom comes in... we AREN'T in control of any of it. it happens because God allows it to happen. and if you feel that you are controlling what you are doing, maybe you really believe that. but ultimately God is allowing you to be where you are right now. he is the one in complete control. he can change your sense of freedom in a heart beat, wherever you are.

and right now, i am in los angeles, california. i am completely broke: can't pay rent, broke. i am unemployed. i am single. and even though the bible tells me not to be, i am scared. loneliness and fear of failure are constantly stealing my false sense of freedom, waking me up rudely and keeping me from peacefully laying down at night. and yet, i am free. Jesus paid the price for my future, whatever that may be. i am free of having to be right. he was right for me... its not about me at all. its never about us, no matter how much we want it to be. its about honoring him, loving him, and loving others. so, that's my game plan. that's the goal. of course we don't always hit the bull's eye, but we have to try. i mean we're free to try.

for the record, though, i feel that God wanted me here in los angeles right now, so i don't know why i am so close to needing to pack up and move back to texas. don't even have a place to live if i went back there anyway. i don't like being broke... at all. food is expensive. even beans and rice. i really want to find a job because i long to invest myself into a career. after all, that's what i thought i was brought here for. i don't like being single, and i really want to find someone who is ready to share a fun, passionate life together-through all of its ups AND downs. someone who puts the Lord first, and falls in love with getting to know each other as much as i will. and every morning i want the first thing on my lips to be praises to God, and the last thing on my mind at night to be reflective worship to him. my relationship with him while being here these weeks has been surprisingly good. after all, he allowed me to get here, through the help of friends. and he is telling me to wait. to be patient. there's no selfish freedom in waiting on the Lord. he's got me there. i have to have faith in his true freedom. and you can only have faith when you are risking your sense of freedom and relying on his freedom for you.

i pray you find that true freedom as well. its scary, exciting, and intense. after all, its God.

all we need is love...

i was recently taken by a couple of my friends here in noho to a church called bel air presbyterian on tuesday night. its this group of 20 somethings that meet and its called the foundry. breath-taking building, great worship, fun people, and a message out of hosea. anyway, i got back and read this in the notes of my bible:

we live in a world awash in love stories. most of them are lies. they are not love stories at all - they are lust stories, sex-fantasy stories, domination stories. from the cradle we are fed on lies about love.

this would be bad enough if it only messed up human relationships - man and woman, parent and child, friend and friend - but it also messes up God-relationships. the huge, mountainous reality of all existence is that God is love, that God loves the world. each single detail of the real world that we face and deal with day after day is permeated by this love.

but when our minds and imaginations are crippled with lies about love, we have a hard time understanding this fundamental ingredient of daily living, "love," either as a noun or as a verb. and if the basic orienting phrase "God is love" is plastered over with cultural graffiti that obscure and deface the truth of the way the world is, we are not going to get very far in living well. we require true stories of love if we are to live truly.

hosea is the prophet of love, but not love as we imagine or fantasize it. he was a parable of God's love for his people lived out as God revealed and enacted it - a lived parable. it is an astonishing story: a prophet commanded to marry a common whore and have children with her. it is an even more astonishing message: God loves us in just this way - goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love. once we absorb this story and the words that flow from it, we will know God far more accurately. and we will be well on our way to being cured of all the sentimentalized and neurotic distortions of love that incapacitate us from dealing with the God who loves us and loving the neighbors who don't love us.


so check out hosea. we probably don't read it enough.

love you,
curtisraymondshideler