freedom...?

let me start with this: i really enjoy the freedom that this blog brings. i feel that no one is really going to be reading this anytime soon. so, i have no hesitation to write. well, almost no hesitation. there are a few things that pretty much stay between me and God, but you know what i mean. and by you, i mean the occasional person to occasionally glance at this page.

so, freedom. comes in so many shapes and forms, both good and bad. i feel like i've been able to experience them both. but the funny thing is that the whole time that i've felt that, God has never let me go. he has never allowed me to fall away from himself. that's a restricted freedom that i don't mind in the least.

i have known the freedom of high school, decisions on college, mistakes in a multitude of unwise relationships, the decision to move to a new state, fall in love, move again, get married, move again, go back to school, study what i love and what the Lord has led me to... and unfortunately, the taste of singleness again, then the chance to travel, the ability to move yet again and pursue my dreams. these freedoms i have always felt have been mine. but God has ultimately been the one allowing any of this to happen. and when something bad happens to me or to you, that's exactly what he does: he allows it to happen. don't ask me why. some of the freedoms i've been given aren't ones i've asked for.

however, there are things that truly take a toll on this false sense of self freedom. the lack of money brings one's feelings of freedom crashing down pretty fast. then there is also the distance between you and those you love the most. and confusion, miscommunication, and dishonesty. you can't control your freedom when you can't control the circumstances. but that's where the real freedom comes in... we AREN'T in control of any of it. it happens because God allows it to happen. and if you feel that you are controlling what you are doing, maybe you really believe that. but ultimately God is allowing you to be where you are right now. he is the one in complete control. he can change your sense of freedom in a heart beat, wherever you are.

and right now, i am in los angeles, california. i am completely broke: can't pay rent, broke. i am unemployed. i am single. and even though the bible tells me not to be, i am scared. loneliness and fear of failure are constantly stealing my false sense of freedom, waking me up rudely and keeping me from peacefully laying down at night. and yet, i am free. Jesus paid the price for my future, whatever that may be. i am free of having to be right. he was right for me... its not about me at all. its never about us, no matter how much we want it to be. its about honoring him, loving him, and loving others. so, that's my game plan. that's the goal. of course we don't always hit the bull's eye, but we have to try. i mean we're free to try.

for the record, though, i feel that God wanted me here in los angeles right now, so i don't know why i am so close to needing to pack up and move back to texas. don't even have a place to live if i went back there anyway. i don't like being broke... at all. food is expensive. even beans and rice. i really want to find a job because i long to invest myself into a career. after all, that's what i thought i was brought here for. i don't like being single, and i really want to find someone who is ready to share a fun, passionate life together-through all of its ups AND downs. someone who puts the Lord first, and falls in love with getting to know each other as much as i will. and every morning i want the first thing on my lips to be praises to God, and the last thing on my mind at night to be reflective worship to him. my relationship with him while being here these weeks has been surprisingly good. after all, he allowed me to get here, through the help of friends. and he is telling me to wait. to be patient. there's no selfish freedom in waiting on the Lord. he's got me there. i have to have faith in his true freedom. and you can only have faith when you are risking your sense of freedom and relying on his freedom for you.

i pray you find that true freedom as well. its scary, exciting, and intense. after all, its God.