Fear of Commitment

Up way too early again has me thinking about something I read earlier tonight about fear of commitment... and appropriately listening to an older William Fitzsimmons album, Goodnight.

It seems many of us have a fear of commitment in one form or another. Some may fear signing something like a lease or mortgage. Some may fear losing themselves in a commitment to another in a relationship, like a significant other or child. Some may fear just that thought of no longer having the option to "live life to the fullest" because of some commitment.

I'm realizing that many of our fears are not only wrong, but also misguided worries that are a result from some kind of sinful state of mind. If we can't commit fully to things, that must stem from our lack of full commitment to God... And a fear of commitment stemming from a lack of trust that He will let us truly "live life to the fullest" while we remain committed to that thing, that person, or that place.

God is funny like that. Christ taught us over and over that by letting go of ourselves or giving of ourselves or losing ourselves, and giving ourselves fully to Him, we find ourselves and find so much more than we could ever find on our own. A full commitment to Him, and to things that He gives us, can result in a true freedom that shines so much brighter than any false freedom we can trick ourselves into.

And along with fear of commitment, I see too many people in this world commit themselves to the wrong things... instead of the eternal, meaningful things. I failed when I put my career, my personal goals, and ambitions above love and family. I don't want to do that again. Many people tend to put their commitment to a career above family and love. Many people put their commitment to their own interests and desires above those of others in their life. In fact, I'm sure we all do it. That doesn't make it right or justifiable by any means. Just means we should all really consider what's worth our commitment.

I encourage us to fully commit ourselves to God and seek to commit our life, love, and time to His best for us, and not what we think is best. He knows us better than we know ourselves. The rest of our commitments, if guided by His Spirit, should bring us no fear.

Pros and Cons

It seems every day I've put off doing this because I knew it would suck. And it does. I hate making Pros and Cons lists. If you feel like you need to make one, that probably means your Cons list will more than likely disappoint you. They tell you everything you already know and just wish wasn't true or could be another way. And that's exactly what this one did.

You see, some Pros and Cons are concrete. They can't be changed. Those are great. Those are absolutes. It's easy to deal with absolutes. They can't be another way, so you learn to deal with them.

BUT, it's so many of these Cons that are totally EASY to change and with just a little work, they could totally be amazing Pros. They could be... But that's the problem. I just don't know if they ever will be. And that is NOT concrete. There's no absolute in that, and I am having a tough time dealing with them.

When things you need just aren't there... You should logically go find them. That's why these lists suck. They tell you to do something you don't want to do. Maybe my next Pros and Cons list will be the Pros and Cons of making decisions based on Pros and Cons lists.

I've tried to turn some of these Cons into Pros already, and it's just not working. So, with deadlines looming, I'm going to make another effort to take some of these Cons and try to help turn them into Pros. I really, really want to see those things added to the Pros list... It would really shine with them there.

Then the Pros would absolutely point in the direction I'm hoping to go. Wouldn't it be awesome if this whole post was about which cereals I should buy next?!?
I wish. But I too often buy what's on sale. I don't want to settle for what's on sale in this instance. I'm looking for specifics here. And I'm looking hard.

On the move...

It's been quite an awesome few months. Well, awesome and a little scary. Back in December, I met a friend that I had found me on Myspace over a year earlier. She flew out here for work. We met, I took her to a Christmas party, and we had a great time together.

She must have had a great time, because when I finished working on the latest TV show I was doing, she flew me out to spend time with her and her family! But that's when it hit me that this might be the beginning of something serious... seriously dorky too ;-)

Now, five months after beginning to see her, and even another trip out to see her and her family, I'm praying about heading out there for a much longer stay. You see, if I move here in L.A. to a new apartment, I'll have to sign a year lease... This doesn't seem to bother her when I've brought it up. But, for me, I can't be in a relationship for another year of no guaranteed visits! I mean, I could, but it would be very tough and still not put us in a place to move forward.

So, I really want to visit her and her family for at least a few months. That way, we can date normally. We can really get to know one another and see if this can work... which is the only reason I asked her to be mine in the first place. She is absolutely astounding! Such a Child of God kind of heart and personality... adorned by gorgeousness. The romantic in me gets away from me a bit, as I'm sure she could tell you. But, anyway, it would be best for us to find out sooner than later if this is really going to work. It would be devastating to spend a year or more, on top of these past few months, working at a long distance relationship, only to find that after the year, it doesn't work out.

So, with a month or two left before I need to move out of my current place, I am feeling good about leaving L.A. for a while. God hasn't given me anything here that is at all permanent. And the L.A. lifestyle is not for me. I enjoy the beach side lifestyle, and the suburbia/college town lifestyle I had in Fort Worth, but L.A., Hollywood, and the Valley are just horrible to live in. You can find a few nice parts, but I long for a more normal lifestyle... Maybe a move can give me an opportunity to find that again.

My only concern is about my girlfriend. She has not seemed terribly excited or encouraging about me setting out to win her. She's said that she would love for me to live there and be with her, and even talked about it jokingly for many months... but now that I'm actually looking to make it happen, she seems silent. I want her to be excited, vocal, and constantly reminding me how much she's looking forward to it. I understand, though, that it's probably a huge weight on her shoulders... having me pick up a life in L.A. to move just to be with her. But right now, I'm just living in L.A. I don't feel like my work is going anywhere, and haven't found a successful group of people to write and film together consistently. Not to mention I've found love in someone not in L.A. And if my past has taught me anything, it has taught me that my priorities need to be God, then loving others (my wife/family/etc.), THEN work. I've put them backwards before, and it doesn't work well.

So yes, her silence concerns me. A move there to later find that she's lost interest would be very hard and devastating, but it would be better to know sooner than later. And she should not worry at all about me being disappointed. I'm moving to pursue her. She's worth it. And the hope of a future together is worth it. And the hope of a family is worth it.

God gave me a dream, and I thought I had to be in L.A. to make it come true... but when I finally met her, she became part of that dream. And now I realize that I can accomplish anything God puts on my heart anywhere in the world. But I know that whatever I accomplish for Him, having her as my partner will make it so much more of a success and so much more joyous. We would make a great team. Go Orange Team!

Anyway, I would be thankful for any prayers you would be willing to offer up. There are many things that need to fall into place for me to make it out there. I need a place to stay for a while, a good job to start saving, and the right timing to leave L.A. I'm really seeking God about this, so, thank you for your prayers.

Stories and other junk...

i realized that i haven't posted anything recently on here... and a friend kind of inspired me to give blogging a little more attention. i'm not sure if i'm going to start posting short stories, more random thoughts, a bunch of posts on a certain theme, or something completely different. but here's the first one of the year!

and well, its been a long, but good year here in L.A. i haven't done as much as i hoped i would. i haven't had as much luck this year in some areas, and a ton of luck in others. but, i'm kind of coming to terms with the city and its demands.

but anyway, here's a couple links to small things that i've done recently. nothing too amazing, just fun shorts.

SHRIEK is a short film that i worked on with my other partners over at 313 Films.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBnsUPRQWTo

and BIG BLUE is a music video for a song i wrote after being inspired by a girl's online dating profile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUBxGpsbfs0

and while you're watching my junk, you might find POOPY TIME amusing or MULHOLLAND DRIVE catchy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joLpgh1GxFI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ9pfPTPSeE

so, i hope you enjoy these links while i figure out what to write next!

Making movies in Hollywood

Well, its been a while since my last blog. And here I am, taking a break from working on High School Reunion, writing a new blog.

This past weekend I was blessed to begin filming on a short film that I am directing. The shoot went very smooth. And despite a few last minute decisions, I feel that we are totally on schedule.
I am looking forward to the big choreographed fight scene that we are filming on Saturday. It should be exciting and a good experience for both the film, and all of us as filmmakers.

I am very thankful that the Lord has put the friends and coworkers I have in my life right now. Its been a blessing to work with each other and do what we can for each other. And without them, I wouldn't have a crew or cast that I can as easily trust and have fun working with.

So, just wait. The Affliction should be in post production in a week, and we should have a good cut of the film by next month. And besides the good look to the film, amazing acting, and great design, we have a very professional soundtrack to add to the overall polish of the film.

I am very excited to finish this one so I can begin working on another project, but I also wish I could have spent months on this one. Its a good story, with characters that carry the weight that we all are haunted with at one time or another. They are laced with depth, and rooted in the struggles, addictions, and fears that plague all of mankind today.

I have posted a few photos from the shoot last weekend on my facebook and myspace. More will be forthcoming, as well as a trailer, hopefully.

Then, I will make sure to let everyone know when the screening will take place.

wait, you mean love isn't forever?

alright. so, let's start this out with a fact. i sometimes dig chick flicks. its true, and i am not ashamed of it. however, when you're in a relationship and the chick flick portrays this perfect man that does everything right no matter how the girl acts... then that is just crap. because then my significant other will expect that from me, and we all know i'm not perfect!

with that said, i really like chick flicks that tell the truth. and by that, i mean how relationships REALLY work. there are a few movies out there that show the awkwardness, deceit, frustration, disappointment, and trials of a real relationship. i remember when i saw The Last Kiss in the theater. it was a good example of the different aspects to relationships. i mean, i hated what happened in it sometimes, which is exactly like we hate it sometimes in our relationships. i started watching the Break Up, and it was kind of that way too. i still want to see Knocked Up, because i am hoping it will be truth with humor. i also loved Once. it showed how we can form great relationships and not be led astray. despite its sadness, loneliness, and pain, there was joy in the characters lives, and mainly because of each other.

anyway, all that to say last night i watched a very truthful film about relationships. really felt like a real trip down memory lane, if you know what i mean. it is called Flannel Pajamas. now, let me tell you first off, it has a lot of scenes where this couple are talking and relating... nude. so, be warned. but, for me, it was kind of like watching my memories on a screen.

it starts off with the couple meeting, then they get to know each other for a while, then they fall "in love," followed by decisions to live together, get married, and tackle life-long goals. i remember all of that years ago. so naive and idealistic. well, eventually, (not to ruin it for you) they have problems, as we ALL do in relationships. and mistakes happen, dreams get put on the back-burner, life changes around them. and they change, like we ALL do. except, the female also allows her love to change. she decides to move out, they get counseling, and because she has fallen "out of love" with him, she wants a divorce. he doesn't want this. but, what else can he do?

so weird how we can look at things like love. there are so many different kinds, ways to experience it, and ways to use it. there's the love a parent can have for their child, which many times can reflect the love God has for all of us: unconditional. then there's the love that we feel for people in general. like you can love friends, acquantances, and people in need. and then there's the love that we have for another person that usually leads us to marriage. this love, as we Christians are taught, should be like Christ and the church. however, the church is so evil-natured. so, that seems odd. people in general are sinful. we can try to not be sinful, but we are stuck in this fleshly world. so, does that mean the wife can be sinful and the husband should be the perfect Christ figure? well, turns out us husbands (or ex-husbands) are also sinful. go figure, right?!

anyway, that marriage love can start out with our feelings and emotions giving us a euphoric feeling. but that will change over time. that might fade. and then what are we supposed to do? are we supposed to give up and move on to someone else who will supply us with those feelings that we FEEL we deserve?! i don't think so. if you were to ask me what my opinion is about love, i would reply to you this:

love is a choice.

when we decide to quit choosing to love, we give up on love. and when a spouse is involved in that decision, it can be devistating. and its only when we give up that we fail in things like marriage. i may be biased because i was left by my ex, but i now realize that it wasn't our differences, our mistakes, our bad decisions, our lies, our lack of time together, or anything else that drove us apart. sure all of that played a part in her DECISION... but just like the main character of this film, she had the choice to keep loving or to give up. and it seems like too many people, even who follow Christ, are making the decision to give up and seek something that will "better" their lives in the short term instead of deciding to love no matter what and grow together.

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri."

these rates are kind of discouraging. and even more so if you've gone through it once or twice.

it's kind of ironic. her choice to leave me kind of makes me want to give up trying anymore too. but i know that it wouldn't be worth it in the long run to stop trying to love someone. however, for me now, i am single. so, watch out. i may start loving you. and if i do, i may never stop! hahaha...

but seriously, this movie, despite some stale dialogue and long conversations, is a great portrayal of what married people go through when they are starting out. and even though mine lasted 5 years, because of our age and situations, we weren't past the early stages. i can only hope and keep believing that with both people making the choice for a lifetime that marriage can be one of the most beautiful and productive and rewarding things that God has for us.

in fact, i will choose to believe that.

the creative life of boredom

well, here i am, in L.A. i've been planning to move to L.A. since i started acting 13 years ago. a lot has happened in 13 years, but a few things have stayed constant: my relationship with Christ, my love for acting and creating, and my goal of moving to California to pursue my dreams.

so, now i'm here. and i'm looking for acting work, as well as production work. and now there's a writer's strike. so, many shows that i would love to try and work on are shelved for the season. so, there's not much work to be had. plus i don't even have an agent yet. i need to get on that as well.

with all that being said, i'm kind of bored. you know, i just got here, but i'm really wanting to work my butt off digging into a character while acting or framing and focusing some camera working on the set of something... and get paid for it. seriously, i'm grossly underpaid at the moment, and i need to find supplemental income quick. i need to get the car worked on, finally get my license plate, and hopefully eat next week.

unfortunately, i don't have much time in the evening to do much but wait in traffic, get home, spend an hour or two doing something, and then pass out of exhaustion. so, i've decided to be creative in any way i can lately. i've written many more songs this past month that i normally write in a month, i've been fleshing out ideas all over my moleskins, and finally, i have decided to try my hand at writing a novel.

writing a novel is a huge task. i mean, not really. bloggers are discovered, then get an agent, then land a book deal, then probably just morph their blogs into a book, and tah-dah! they're published authors. or in the case of the woman who wrote juno, you go from author to screenwriter to eventually being a director.

but i'm just a huge fan of stories. i love reading a good story, and i love telling a good story, and hopefully i will love writing a good story. i don't want to let any part of the cat out of the bag other than one of it's paws... so, i will just say it has many little stories all rolled into one. and i would love any help you would like to offer. so, if you have a good story or have an amazing memory of us, please let me know. comment on this and tell me a little about it.

i don't really know what i'm getting myself into... a novel. crazy. hopefully, though, this will help pass a little of my down time, allow some of my creativity to flow (while on an acting/producing low), and in the end, entertain a couple people. or a million. eh. we'll see.